Richard Sadlier
I Believe in Everything
I believe in everything. Myths, monsters, legends, truth, fiction - they're commonplace in my everyday life as much as they are staples of my imagination. I feel as though I can see this world, this existence we are enduring, from every angle.
When I began my college career, now almost four years ago, I remember with uncanny clarity the sensation that I stood on a ledge. The task ahead of me would prove a defining time in my life, both simply as a mammal leaving the familiarity and safety of his pack, but also as a quarter-life tabula rasa, my mind wide open to new knowledge and experiences. And I truly believed that by the time I graduated, not only would I know what I wanted out of life, but I would know exactly where I stood on all of life's issues.
By the winter of my first year, not only was I no closer to enlightenment, most of the space on my blank slate was quickly being filled with questions, not answers. The subsequent year was exactly the same. Every corner of consciousness that I examined, expecting to find some conveniently shaped piece of information that would fit perfectly into the hollow quarters of my character, either wasn't the right shape or belonged to a different puzzle completely. Finally, my frustration at the imposing quantity and varying nature of knowledge itself peaked, and I decided to take a stand. If I couldn't decide where I stood on religion, politics, ethics, morality, even literary theory, I wouldn't decide at all. And for a considerable amount of time, this is where I found myself - a nihilist, alone on a very large and very frightening sea. I became one of the intellectually homeless, too proud to accept the charity of competing beliefs.
Throughout this time, I never displayed any outward hostility toward people who enjoyed some stability in their views. On the contrary, I would often find myself envious of their conviction and ability to throw themselves so selflessly head-first into a belief system that was ultimately uncertain. I envied equally the Catholics and the Muslims, the Modernists and Post-Modernists, Stoics and Hedonists, Republicans and Democrats. One day, while reading Nietzsche (more specifically a work of his describing the fictional nature of most of humanity's most cherished institutions and ideas), I slowly became aware of having made a tremendous mistake. It is a strange sensation, to be inspired toward faith by the man who wrote, "God is dead." But, at that moment, I realized - just as I had months before - there is no absolute truth. This time, instead of abandoning millennia of knowledge, study, and the glory of human imagination, I decided to do something equally drastic - embrace all of it. If I couldn't figure out one single truth, why not have four or five? Which raises the question: should faith be exclusive? Is my commitment any less sincere or meaningful if I chose to read the Wall Street Journal and The Nation? Am I less of a liberal if I find myself relating with a conservative? My answer, of course, is a confident yes…and no.
About Richard Sadlier
Richard Sadlier is a senior English major. After graduation he intends to pursue his passion of music and art. Eventually he plans to pursue graduate work in English. But for now, it's a life of simplicity and travel.